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Crofton, MD, 21114

A long-running personal blog shared by two authors with completely different approaches to life. And a lot of large, beautiful photographs of dogs and nature and places we've traveled to. Rich in commentary and irreverant in style. 

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We started blogging a long time ago. Our work hours never aligned with recommended psychotherapists and we needed to get our thoughts out. We are great friends, total opposites and long-time housemates. This was a way to communicate. With each other. With strangers. With consumer marketers. With sub-par meteorologists. With distant friends who wanted to see pictures of stuff we were up to.

This is the place. Our bucket of thoughts to share. You are welcome. 
(We realize that most of you are here for the dog pictures.)

It was a snake. So I barfed on it and then threw a bag of dog poo at it.

Healey

Today has been one of those days where you feel like the best thing for everyone involved is just to get my thoughts outside of my head. Waaaaaay outside.

Let me rewind a bit. Yenny told me this morning about how her co-worker who said that “the best remedy for the flu is Elderberry”, which is some sort of an herbal type remedy.

Neither of us have the flu. BUT Yenny and I have a history with Elderberry and immediately believed her co-worker's story. When we were in Puerto Rico last year on the ‘girls group escape trip’ at this luxury resort on the ocean, we drank Elderberry Daiquiris. Like 2 a day and it seriously made us feel better. I mean there was nothing wrong with us at the time but we felt GREAT after drinking those. So naturally it can treat pandemic level shit.

Back to today, I was going to CVS on the way to work, so I told her I would look for some Elderberry and use the stupid coupons she forces on me. I went. I looked everywhere and then asked an employee {dedication}. They led me back to a jam-packed homeopathic aisle with bullshit products, and there was one empty row. Elderberry. Damn, those daiquiris were good. It was seriously the only thing they were totally out of in the entire store. <blink>

I now wanted this product. I texted Yenny to relay the CVS story and she said she would buy it on Amazon. Fine. We are Americans, damnit. Don’t make me wait. I want my miracle product for the ailment that I don’t currently have, and I want it on Prime, bitches. She annoyingly wrote back saying that it was oversold on Amazon (!) (?) and wouldn’t be to us until next week. WTF? 

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Later at work, I went to Safeway to get a cup of tea at the Starbucks (because yes, I am a predictable white person who drinks Starbucks tea. whatever. Take your hate somewhere else.) Safeway had ONE BOTTLE of Elderberry syrup. I grabbed it like it was a golden ticket and went to the self checkout feeling very pleased with myself. Until it rung up at TWENTY THREE DOLLARS. Double WTF? 

Fast forward to my doctors appointment even later that afternoon, where my doctor told me crap I didn’t want to hear and then set a surgical date. Bitch. Actually she is really nice. But I hate her right now. 

So, I was all super moody and the weather was rainy and dark which made me very melodramatic. Yenny was working double time but had defrosted some shrimp and I tried to cook it the way I had seen her cook it. I remember her saying something about 2 min on each side. Blah Blah, numbers.

While I was *cooking* I tried two tablespoons of the Elderberry elixir.  

It tasted like purple homeopathic ass. I resented it.

I divided the shrimp in to two equal portions and ate my share. It tasted… fishy. I stared at the sauté pan with blame in my eyes. I took a large sip of red wine to drown out all of these sub-par flavors. I finished the shrimp because all I could taste was $10 red wine and then decided to take the dog for his after dinner walk.

I opted to wear my ‘big coat’ (think Obi Wan Kenobi winter-wear) complete with massive hood to hide my head from raindrops.

I have fallen in public twice in this coat because I got disorientated from the stupid hood. #NotProud

While walking Buford in the rain with half-cooked shellfish, red wine and a homeopathic miracle berry in my throat I was unprepared for the snake. It wasn’t a snake. It was some sort of shiny wet tire tread bit that ... well it surprised me. 

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So I barfed on it. And then I became angry at the fake snake so I angrily flung the [also very stinky] bag of dog shit at the snake. I’m not proud to report that I missed my target by like 4 feet. This, of course, made me think of the upcoming Olympics that I as not in. #Shame. I wouldn't have even qualified for my event. Whatever the sport may have been. No idea. ALL OF THIS made me more self loathing so before some judgmental stranger came across me, I walked on, acting as if none of that shit had just happened.

I have no idea why I thought it was a snake. My only defense is that it was dark and that it looked like a snake. And I have Bruce Lee level reflexes at all the wrong times. I know what bloody month it is. There are no February Maryland snakes lying about. I missed it with my barf, too. I think my stomach rejected the dinner and miracle drug and just held it in my esophagus. I should be thinner for what a crap chef I am.

I came home and continued to barf in the powder room while telling my son to get ready for Tae Kwon Do. He stood outside the powder room asking me what I was doing while we ALL KNEW WHAT I WAS DOING. He blinked a lot during my recap of the day on the ride to Tae Kwon Do. He's going to need therapy eventually.