Is that drywall seamed or all one piece? How do they get drywall panels into the rooms that drywall makes without dinging all the corners? What the hell is that shit made out of any ways? Smushed cardboard? I feel like that is naive. I’ll bet there are bugs in there. Why does whats-his-name look so weird? He seems really nervous. He needs to pop that zit or name it. Get some Clearasil on that bad-mamma-jamma. White stuff always makes things better. It’s medically cleansing. Except for sour cream. Which should fucking NOT be left out in the open air for as long as people do. That is nasty. Ecoli-palooza. yuck. Except for when it’s on nacho’s.
Like those awesome blue corn tortilla nacho’s they used to have at Bardo Rodeo in Arlington. Where the cheese was so melty and good. Who cared that they left all their pool tables out in the rain and people were barfing in the sandbox during Octoberfest. Those girls had it coming. Dress up like frickin prostitutes with shoes you have hardly been introduced to and then drink nine beers. Where the hell did you think this was going bitch? Yea, that’s right. You fell in the barfy sandbox disturbing two drunk programmer geeks in their game of “who can pile the highest vomit sand structure (while drunk)” and showed them your underpants. Don’t you yell at them. Those socially handicapped MENSA members didn’t dress you, drink you and push you in there. That place was awesome. I miss that place.
How did I pay for that shit? I was out all the time. I am old. I think my FitBit is broken. Ever since Yenny told me her lowest score on this goddamn thing I have been powerless to move my daily average beyond it. I even stayed up Monday night running on the treadmill and doing laundry. Fucking case of body snatchers there. Had that Pixar movie Wall-e not been on I wouldn’t have made it through even 30 minutes. I love that movie. I love the fat people on the floating chairs drinking their meals through straws... and the Captain who is being outsmarted by a steering wheel. And the roving vacuums. “Contaminant!”
Haha. I wonder if the squid invasion off the coast of Japan is an anomaly? An aquatic outlier? It has to be connected to the Tsunami. The Monterey Bay people will tell me. Once they come in from swimming or whatever the hell it is they are doing. “Laura put that Otter down and come into the office for christ’s sake!” I wonder if this is the kind of squid that is tasty?
I don’t like the yellow sauce they serve with the Calamari Ricardo at Carraba’s. It is suspect. I bet there are bugs in there. Anything could be in there. There could be urine in there. Better drink gin when you eat it. Cleansing Gin. Lime seems cleansing, too. I still have to squint when I say ‘limes’... because of that time it got in my eye. That hurt a lot.
I am insulted by the limes at Shopper’s. They are just insulting little green tree turds. Lifeless. Sour. Hard to cut. I am going to take my own finger off with that new knife. I need to get another cutting board. I am suspicious of the ones we have. “Contaminant!” But I don’t know how to throw them out. There are so many of them. Yenny will give me that look. the ‘you are being a wasteful white person’ look. I hate that look. But I have like 8 bloody cutting boards! They need to go. Maybe the FDA has some research that will support my purge.
“What happened to all the cutting boards?” Yenny will ask.
“Oh, didn’t you see Mehmet Oz on the joint CDC /World Health Organization (WHO?) summit that happened yesterday? Yeah, they said that cutting boards over 3 months old are the source of 97.3% of home bacterial outbreaks and that it actually is most impactful to Asians that are judgy and go to the gym too much. Those people are dropping like flies. The study also mentioned that old cutting boards caused instances of head lice. mhmmm. I know. Crazy, right? Scary stuff. I got some new cutting boards at Tuesday Morning. I love them. But don’t get attached. I plan on being skieved out by them in like a week or two. I’m doing all this for you. And your nieces. True story.”
My pants itch. I think a chemical has been sprayed on the insides of them. By Nordstrom. They suck. That is such a mean thing to do. I didn’t even start having an allergic reaction to them until I got to the office. My FitBit just made a joke about my quantifiable movement analytics in the morning. F-you FitBit. I have to go home to the asian girl I am saving and go to the gym. I should take Benadryl. and Gin.
Bryant is twitching somewhere. Honey, I am coming home! “Contaminant!!!!”