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Crofton, MD, 21114

A long-running personal blog shared by two authors with completely different approaches to life. And a lot of large, beautiful photographs of dogs and nature and places we've traveled to. Rich in commentary and irreverant in style. 

Blog

We started blogging a long time ago. Our work hours never aligned with recommended psychotherapists and we needed to get our thoughts out. We are great friends, total opposites and long-time housemates. This was a way to communicate. With each other. With strangers. With consumer marketers. With sub-par meteorologists. With distant friends who wanted to see pictures of stuff we were up to.

This is the place. Our bucket of thoughts to share. You are welcome. 
(We realize that most of you are here for the dog pictures.)

The 2012 Olympics: As Experienced by Healey

Healey

Opening Ceremonies: OMG yay! Super yay! I love the Olympics! AND England! This is going to be THE BEST OLYMPICS EVER!!!! Ahhhhhhhh!

OMG the prophecy is coming true! It’s like they tapped into my DREAMS! First the voice of Ewan McGregor then Daniel Craig AND the Queen AND corgi’s! This is going to be THE BEST OLYMPICS EVER!!!!

[one hour passes]

(Squinting) What are they all doing down there? It’s like an ant hill. Is that the Shire from the Lord of the Rings? I thought that was in New Zealand. Where is Bilbo’s House? I want a house with a round door. That totally wouldn't get old.

OMG is that Kenneth Branagh dressed up like Lincoln? When will people ADMIT that - though we all like Kenneth - he is the veritable Grim Reaper of entertainment. Everything he is involved in (save Harry Potter where he played himself)(basically) everything he touches... dies. Thank gawd Emma Thompson got away.

Ya know, if I was hosting this Olympics I don’t think I would make the opening show about polluting the atmosphere and sick kids - in whirling hospital beds - paid for by tax dollars that are haunted by enormous creepy monsters. Just sayin... is this the message you wanted me to walk away with (regardless of language)? Hmm? Bet not.


Oh look, the parade of nations has started! (Zzzzzzzzzzz.)

[a day passes]

This is going to be THE BEST OLYMPICS EVER!!!! I have downloaded THREE apps to keep up with the action. Why are there 3 apps? Whats the difference? (nothing) I wonder if they will tell me what will be televised today? (no.)

[time passes]

Oh good. Look, FENCING is on! Yay! This is one of those cool usually non-televised events that I never get to see. Awe-sum. {blink} What the hell? Why are these women so over dramatic? They are acting so crazy. I thought fencing people were supposed to be sophisticated and Zorro-esque. Calm down lady.

These bitches are crazy with their giant arm movements, whipping their metal helmets off every three seconds. Is that a light IN their helmet? How is that activated? This is like Laser Tag for the feminist movement.


This sport would be much improved in my estimation if they didn’t hand out speed to the competitors and they held it in a square rather than a long narrow rectangle. I want to see people go at each other like Errol Flynn.

Oh, I know why these people are acting so crazy... it’s the electrical charge. The cord between their suit and helmet disconnects right in the middle of their pony tail (over and over again). The electrical charge is WAY too close to their neck and heads. Who the HELL would wear a high pony tail with a metal helmet on their heads?

What idiots. .... but somehow this sport is more fun to watch now that I know they are all too stupid to realize they are zapping themselves. Like watching drunk people walk home. Oh, yes (Italian woman) please do cry. Yes. What we need now is to introduce water to the electrical playground. (freaks.) But I still want one of those outfits if you can get the BG&E out of it.

[time passes]

Oh, look there is doubles tennis. (Zzzzzzzz) Why must she grunt like that? She should be embarrassed.

WATER POLO. OMG the holy grail of non-commercially consumed events! Awesome. [10 minutes pass]


Jeezus... how the hell are they doing that? A) even being able to even LOOK at another person with that stupid Snoopy aviator/diaper on their head and B) NOT TOUCHING THE BOTTOM OF THE POOL.

I keep trying to explain the relevance of this information to my son and he IS NOT LISTENING TO ME. My lungs are burning in empathy for them. What type of hybrid human can play this sport??? I have to change the channel. The mental investigation is almost as tiring as the visual of them doing something I could never do so effortlessly. (Flashback to wearing GIANT stupid sunglasses trying to tread water with the girls at the Haines Point Public pool. That lasted what? under 5 minutes?) Insanity. What else is on?


[time passes]

Ohhhh Ping Pong! ...Somehow I thought I would enjoy this more. I blame Forest Gump for making me think that. Jeezus these chicks are slightly over-strung. How long have they maintained that posture? Why do they all have acne? (overstimulated stomach acids, no doubt.) What do people like this do on a day off? Have they ever had one?


I can’t watch this.

Men's Springboard Diving is on channel 103. What the hell is 103? NBC is like a cancer in my cable channel menu. I wonder if one of the three apps I downloaded says what events are playing on what channels? Uhhhhm... nope. But I have *successfully changed the local time. again.

So diving is interesting. Yes, I once dove (badly). In high school. It was one of the many sports I collected that one could really "succeed in if they didn’t mind getting hurt and almost dying."

I also used to sew. This comes to mind because I am trying to mentally figure out if their *National Uniform took more than one-sixteenth of a yard of something to produce. Was it delivered, folded, in an A10 business envelope? Standard mail? Gosh that is a tiny outfit to be plunging into water at high speeds in. Is Bravo and LOGO aware of this programming? NBC must own one of those too. This could potentially become gay porn within nano-seconds.


I demurely close my eyes every time the camera follows the plunge. Can you just see some really rich gay guy who is unlucky in love, randomly coming across this channel while in a dark room? I would say that the market for 3D televisions just got a bump. “For me?” Yes, seemingly so.

Why are my biceps so sad? Everyone else (seemingly) has biceps that look exactly like braided bread loaves. And exactly as hairless. I want biceps like that. My biceps suck. So do my abs. Where are my abs? What is all this fat?

[time passes]

[Commercial break: Apollo Ono needs to get rid of that bandana. It is officially off-putting. Made worse by his one real line in the Subway sandwich commercial “I’m lickin it up!”... <shiver>]

Swimming: I wonder if Missy’s teeth feel slimy? I remember when I got my braces off and they were abnormally slimy feeling for quite a while. She is certainly ‘drying them out’ a lot though isn’t she? I would like to request a dollar for every time Missy appears happy. Starting now.


Oh look! I’m rich!

How do those volleyball girls not get some sort of fungal yuck, always playing shoeless in some foreign sand substance? Why don’t they get wedgies more? Why don’t their outfits accidentally slip up over those non-existent boob patties when they are going for a “dig”? Why are they so cute?

I hate them.(I am going to hit Bryant I hate them so much. Stop watching them.)

The short brunette is obviously the better player. What the hell is that whak blob of a tattoo on her tramp stamp area? Why can we not focus on that? It probably says “NBC’s Olympic Apps suck”. Rightly so.


OMG soccer. Oh this is so exciting. Gawd I love soccer. Ahhhh! excitement! Ohhh edge of my seat! This is THE BEST OLYMPICS EVER!!!! Why is the stadium empty? Was there a bomb scare? What the fuck?

Are you telling me that the futebol center of the universe couldn’t muster a few thousand fans for women’s soccer? I have a hard time believing that since I have just learned that there was a Cricket Stadium built to hold 40,000 people nearby. And that was CRICKET. The 'volunteer lobotomy' sport. (Can you imagine the ping pong girls trying to sit in the stands and watch cricket? There would be giant blood stains from where they eventually just exploded out of frustration. Like human paintballs.

Synchronized Diving: And this is where the world learned to count to three in every language still spoken. Une, deux, trois - splash. Insult from the commentator about how they had personally expected more from the duo while noting that the pair setting up to dive has ‘never quite been able to perform in unison’ and that most of their families recently died of eye cancer.

“It’s really a wonder that they made it through the trials. They are really weak under pressure. This should be the last we see of this pair.”


Ya know their families have TV’s and are watching this show lady.

Synchronized Men’s Platform diving: This is just perverse. At any moment someone is going to die of hitting their head on the cement platform, landing perpendicular to the water at 40 mph after hearing the jackass commentator - or a gay man in the stands will become the next human paintball explosion. One of those is sure to happen. And yet I cannot turn the channel. Gosh their outfits are small.


Archery: What the hell is that bow all about? Katniss certainly didn’t have all that shit going on. What is the purpose - someone please tell me - of that giant rod that sticks out the front? I do like the fact that everyone in this sport seems normal human size and shape. I am curious as to why Gilligan hats are so popular with the group - our guys (yay! the good guys!) are a-dorable. They look like they could be in a country band. I’ll bet they all have pick up trucks at home. I wonder where they will hang their Silver medal? Over the buck head or the bear head? Uhm... what was that term I just heard?
“Fish Archery?” Are you shitting me?

“Fish-Archery” - Please take a moment to consider this sport from the fishes point of view. It would be like you were just walking along in the office on the way to the copy room when a tank shoots you from one foot away. ‘Surprising’ is not a big enough word for that experience. I totally need to see that on YouTube.

[time passes]

How is that blind Korean dude shooting so well. I like him. I want to hug him. He has an adorable haircut. I wish we were friends. We could snicker at the Italians' ugly shirts. Why won’t the camera ever pan to show how far the course is? I  find this to be relevant information. Seriously? Pan!

Is the target like one foot away?

Men’s Gymnastics: Rip your heart out background stories have made it impossible for me to watch more than the floor competition. Which I would like to take a moment to say is SO MUCH BETTER than the women’s floor display. I can’t bare to even look at the family from Harlem with the sanitation father. I SO WANTED THEIR SON TO DO WELL. There is a special place in HELL for that gymnastics commentator. If anyone is taking a collection for expediting that trip - please send me the details.

Women’s Gymnastics: That Chinese girl is SO NOT 20 years old. They just lied to put the 6 year old in the 2008 Olympics and now they have to continue the farce. “No really she’s 20. We promise. She drinks already. And is shaving.”

[time passes]


Gaby: Awesome girl. Bright, young, talented girl with a great attitude and a severe overbite. Totally proud of her and her efforts. Similar commentator death recommended in this group. Though most of our female gymnasts look like nightmare flashbacks of the mean girls from Jr. High. Lose the eye makeup, these are not supposed to be bouncing hookers. What the HELL are their outfits made of - candy apple ingredients? and how much tape do they use in a week? I need these answers.


Trampoline: Uhm... what? Is this a real thing? I want to jump like that. I don’t think my giant boobs would go along with the program though. I’d need an oxogen tank with the jog bra that would be appropriate for that.

Sculling: < blink > I like rowing. But this is annoying. A 40 ft long boat that goes up and down a rectangular lake that isn’t even wide enough to make a turn in. I am getting a headache thinking about the in-efficiency. It makes me itchy. It’s like a giant sized shuttle cock.

I said cock.
Which is an avian species. :)

I think I just wanted to say cock because the weaving term is just shuttle. Not to be confused with the Space Shuttle. This is the Weaving Shuttle. ... cock. :)

Okay, I must pause - the women’s final soccer game is on and I am so excited I could pee. This is THE BEST OLYMPICS EVER!!!! Except for the China one. They should be in charge of the opening ceremonies forever.

[time passes]

The US womens team has just won the soccer game over Japan. They fought hard for it. Earned it.

And then they blew all that respect by putting on stupid stupid “GREATNESS HAS BEEN FOUND” t-shirts before Japan even left the pitch. They had not even shaken hands over a good game. Which it was.

What is this, the Super Bowl? I thought we were better than that? Are we female pretentous thugs now? Where is the nation in this? Is that a NIKE slogan (you are all going to hell).

I love being an American. But God we’re arrogant sometimes.

I need to go work on my biceps. Feel like hitting someone.