I have a flying rodent issue. mmmhmm.
And it's not one of them. It's a bloody couple. I hadn't realized I had named them until my son got into the car after baseball practice and asked:
"...so were they at the house again today?"
" ... Who sweetie?"
"asshole and stupid bird."
"... Oh. <blink. sideways glance.> ... Yeah. They were there."
In my own defense (as a sometimes lousy parent) these birds are terrorizing my neighborhood. I am being provoked.
Do you want proof? I'll give you proof. Neighbors are TALKING to me. I lent the lady two doors down one of Seamus's rubber snakes [don't judge me. I worked at the Discovery Channel. Swag and giveaways were different there.] [It rocked. Thank you again Tracy. I miss you.]
So, I loaned out a fake python to frighten Osama Bin Cawwing (that was so dumb. tee hee) away from her strawberry begonia. And again my son is like “I don’t think this is going to work” as he holds the snake by it’s tail at the bottom of the stairs.
“Well then go out into the yard and kill it with your bare hands. That will keep it out of my flowers.” He blinks. He’s 8.
“Do you really want me to do that?” brow furrowed.
I stopped what I was doing and regarded him. As if I had just asked him to go to Beirut. As if he knew what Beirut was.
“I want you to deliver Slytherin to Ms. Nancy next door. She lost a crate of geraniums yesterday. This is a short term solution. It’s what the internet told us to try. If I thought you were a ninja and the crows were Canadiens - I honestly would ask you to go out there take care of this for me. Soprano’s style. And this close to Mother’s Day, I’d kind of expect it of you. We’re being attacked by crows. Soldier - do as you are ordered. Go.”
He pondered this for a minute as he twirled the rubber snake and then called for the larger of our dogs to walk him the short distance.
He’s into safety. I'm going to show these frickin birds.
For reference... people like this guy are not helping the cause. Watch it only if you don't have sound. The sound is borderline unbearable. Take a moment to appreciate that there is no smell-o-vision.
and then there is this. An example of Manahatten at rush hour if people were ducks.