As I sit here eating lunch at my desk while listening to The Devil Went Down To Georgia by the one and only Charlie Daniels Band. (Yeah – sometimes iTunes shuffle make me giggle.) As I sit here I play a game I love. It’s a little something called “If I had a billion dollars and I wanted a ____________.”
Today’s theme is “Purses”.
Now before the Olympic eye-rolling begins, please note that I am not a crazy purse lady. Okay, well I am in comparison to Yenny. But that’s different. (Ask her about the Coach purse my mom got her for her birthday last year :) tee hee – “Yenny, where’s your purse??”)
Okay – so if I am a bazillionaire (es) I want to be all dressy and shit, right? I don’t want to get the Rodney Dangerfield treatment at Bushwood Countryclub. Right?
So let me share my selections. Collections. My Alligator-death-a-palooza.
#1 – Hermes Birkin Bag- Fauve Caramel Alligator: $75,000.
This is a beautiful bag is made of dead, dyed, gator. It has the power to bring super snobs to their knees and fall in front of cabs. Think ‘nuclear Seabreeze commercial.’
You will lose your friends because they will find it exhausting to maintain the urine-jealousy-face throughout the course of an entire lunch. That’s so sad. Oh, is that an Old Navy purse you have there? <nose crinkle & cartoonishly sympathetic smile> So sad. You’re so poor.
Buh-bye. My purse rocks. Not yours.
#2 – Brooks Bros. - Glazed Alligator Frame Bag $5500.
I know. I am showing my true colors here. This is Target shopping for the rich. But I was just shopping for my sister’s Birthday gift. (Don’t get carried away – this is what I got her.) No. I am not worried she will see this. She does not read this ‘forum’.
But somehow while surfing the monogramming options I saw a cute boat bag. (Like I need another monogrammed boat bag – I know. There is a weakness there.) I followed that picture to the Bags section. Saw that I had the option to sort items from “prices high to low” – Brooks Bros is so cheeky. So I did sort it that way. And it was about that time that the dreamy music cue’d on and the little birds started fluttering around my head and landing on my shoulder going “isn’t it deeeelightful? Tweet.”
They were German twitter birds. We all agreed the bag was rock solid.
#3 – Gucci – ‘1921 Collection’ Shoulder bag - $ 1490
Well, seriously folks. It’s smiling at us!
Look at it! Isn’t it cute?
In kind of an ugly way? Googlie eyes..buggidy boogidy!
In a kind of a “Hey my thoroughbred Arabian horse just escaped from the polo game and is running rampant through the streets - miles from the stable kit! How - HOW will I regain control of him???”
Well funny you should ask – I happen to have a purse here that doubles as a horsebit with very, very short sterling silver chain-linked reigns. Let’s all jump on his neck and find the nearest Grey Poupon and Brut Rose Cristal party.
And that’s exactly how the story went. For real’s.
Just ask P-Ditty.
How a Chanel Purse is made:
Even if I had BAZILLIONS I would not buy these:
#1 – Chanel – Diamond Forever Bag: $260,350.
Yeah – that’s because it never happened.
Trust me – the Korean’s would have pointed it out to us.
So this must be dead croc soaked inwhat? Milk? Lime? Then encrusted with diamonds. Assembled with a little sterling silver link chain. Klassy.
What’s the chain for? Shit what’s the purse for? This thing us U-G-L-Y. It looks like the embodiment of a disease. Death cooled over. It's Chanel and I don't instinctively want to reach out and touch it. What went wrong THERE?
Awesome use of resources there Mr. Lagerfield. How’s the diet coming? You have manufactured a situation where Coco rolls over in her grave so often it is being considered as an energy source.
Dolt. (I hate you Karl. You troll. Go stand with Bob Ryan.)
2. Mouawad - 1001 Nights Diamond Purse: $3.8 million
So what the H-E-double-hockey-sticks did she do to deserve it? Mere childbirth seems not to be enough. Otherwise I’d see Michelle Duggar sportin like two’a’these babies. (Un-intentional pun. My apologies.)
But no seriously… WHAT did she do for this purse? And where are you going with it? So many questions.
3. Louis Vuitton Tribute Patchwork Bag - $42,000
Hahahah… so that statement tells it all. Europe and Asia still have class. Us?
Well we have Beyonce.
A gorgeous, talented, gifted woman who chooses to basically take all her clothes off every time there is a camera in sight.
“What the hell are you doing? You don’t need to do that! Aren’t you cold? Don’t those shoes effing KILL your feet? WHY? Tell me WHY?"