So we were driving to school. Our normal morning commute. I play music (loudly) and usually only turn it down to insult other drivers (loudly) or share information about the song (origin, composer, meaning, style and repercussions) with my child. Who I am obviously raising to be nothing more than an E! Entertainment commentator or a "history of MTV" moderator. We were about two songs in when we slowed in traffic and I turned down the volume to (loudly) remark on the colossal dirt and mud tundra being developed alongside the split highway.
"THAT! THAT is where it will be!!!!" (pointing crazily out the closed car window and feeling slightly defeated that I couldn't get my finger to do more than a whimpy 'tink. tink.' on the glass.)
"THAT is where the WEGMAN'S is being built!! [only took them 5 bloody years to get their act together - gfd] WEGMAN'S is the most awesome, fantastic, decadent, holy grocery store in the WHOLE of the WORLD."
Seamus regarded the vast dirt pit from his booster seat in the back seat of the jeep.
A short period of time passed where I had thought I had impressed the lad. That "I and I alone" make his world bigger and brighter. Before I could break into my steering wheel speech "Stick with me Kid.." he spoke again.
"... well it couldn't be better than Jesus."
<smile literally jumps off a cliff>
<the auditory equivalent of someone dropping a colostomy bag>
Healey's internal thoughts:" WTF??? Did he just say Jesus? What the HELL is he learning at this crazy religious school? Am I currently delivering this child to his Watchtower Cult Learning Center (WCLC)? I do NOT like the name Jesus being whipped out on me unexpectedly. The word instinctively makes my knuckles turn in (anyone who went to Catholic School before 1975 will know why). Is this how my life is going to go? Him coming home with vaguely remembered theologies on how I am supposed to be living my life and then parroting them at me? I do not want that. I do not like that. I let him go to catholic school because it was a bit better than the public school that resides 47 inches from my front door, and his dad said he was going to pay for it. So I said. "Okay. Fine. Send him to the uniform school. But I am in charge of his hair. For life."
So I know what you are thinking. "Healey you are totally over reacting. All he said was the name Jesus (our lord)(savior)(why did you skip CCD?)(get in the car - we are going to mass NOW)(well then I guess we'll have to go to church twice on Christmas)(he died for you, ya know)(did you study that verse?)(I have signed you up for Agape for the whole summer)(sing this shitty religious song aloud)(follow along in the hymnal)(That is CLEARLY not in Ezekiel 23!)(we are GOING TO MISS THE 9:30 MASS!!!!!!!).
So... yeah. I have some regression issues. I react to the word Jesus as if someone yelled 'penis' in a non-funny way in a super quiet museum. I see people mentioning religion as the first flag you will see in the swift game of 'church entrapment'.
Back to the car.
me - "welllllll... Jesus isn't a grocery store, sweetie. So it's hard to compare."
Shorty - "Jesus is everything."
me - "... so then where does that leave room for God? If Jesus is EVERYTHING?" (I said knowing that there was an ever expanding place for me in hell)
Shorty - (silence)(distracted bathroom face)
Me - :)
Radio - Phase up of 38 Specials "Hold on Loosely" (volume 11)
Religion - check!