If you were to go up to my closest friends and ask "Hey what are some of Healey's *issues at home?" - first of all you are a jerk - but my closest friends would say "Oh Healey has TONS of Issues.. but she is weird about soap, lotion, milk, and linens ... mostly."
And I do. But lets focus on the soap issue for the moment - cause I have a picture! (look down).
Recently I was in the 3 x 3 sq foot powder room on the main level of my home and - while washing my hands - I struck up a conversation with Bryant in the living room about how I was unhappy with the 'follow-thru' of our current bathroom hand soap. He ignored me. I repeated cause lord knows that man heard me. I will not be ignored!
- "What's wrong with it?"
- "Well it just doesn't smell as wonderful as I had hoped and it doesn't really lather. And when you pump it it squirts our alarmingly... like a male infant with an overfull bladder...."
- "Are you listening to me??"
-"no. What do you want me to do? Get another soap. Get one from another bathroom. There is a ton downstairs .. and come to think of it there are two in our bathroom."
He wasn't understanding me. I didn't want his solution. I wanted his sympathy. Sprinkled with a little empathy perhaps. So sad. Poor man is just too thick to realize that the soaps in the other bathrooms BELONG there. They have been especially chosen to perform in that arena.
Downstairs = Guest soap = Fancy French triple milled bars with cast moldings or ridiculously exotic packaging. (translation - do not use these if I see you every day. That bar of soap is from Neiman-fricking-Marcus and not to be touched.) Upstairs in our bathroom - well first off there are WAY more than two soaps in there - there must be at least 15 in current rotation. Don't judge. Jealousy makes you ugly. But those also have designated uses and need to stay there.
The powder room is where I have the opportunity to cleanse and refresh *all at once (note that I use the * symbol - not as a footnote signal - but as font *sparkle*). The powder room soap has to be good quality and smell interesting - but not fruity. Because fruity soaps are for losers. Sorry if that is you. But you heard it here first. No one wants to hold a conversation with a person that smells like a Strawberry Shortcake doll.
So I bought a new soap. And - cringe - it was from the grocery store. But remember when Dial had a good smell? (Yes, I am the same person who wrote the above paragraphs) When was that? Like 11 years ago? I'm chasing that cheap high like an addict. I got their new (Dial) hand soap to try. It had somewhat attractive packaging, it was a clear soap (mental note to try and get my son to believe it was actually *invisible soap. mmmmhmm "yes it is!") and well I needed a soap fix and I thought living the life of a soap commoner would be character building. Whatever - moving on.
While putting the offending, older soap in the pantry beneath the sink, I noticed it was beginning to look like the 'Island of Misfit Toys' under there. Below is what I found.
What we have here is a collection of soaps that were dishonorably discharged from the powder room. Well, with the exception of #1... but don't you feel it coming?
1 - Commoners liquid soap with the freaky snout that turns soap into foam. Seamus will never tire of this effect. I fear I may have to trade the child in.
2 - I love stonewall Kitchen. And I love Maine. And I love Pine smell (when done correctly). Brass tacks - Stonewall Kitchen is good at cooking, cutting and serving products. Not at toiletries. It smelled like a broken branch... and that wasn't enough for me.
3 - LeBon Savon.. is an oxymoron.
4 - Cleansing rosemary and mint. Take soap #1 - pour it into a mojito made at TGI Fridays and voila!
5 - Kiss My Face Grassy Mint. And to think that I read that name and thought "Yeah! I want to PAY for that and take it home." Not so much. I think I must have been 'out-my-head' pretending to be an environmental person at Whole Foods and thought "I like mint. Grass is pretty." Commerce ensued.
And that brings my bad soap review to an end. Temporarily.