This morning at the diner, over eggs, Yenny - out of the blue – shared a Louie family story with Bryant and I.
IT SEEMS that when one of her brothers was taking off for a sabbatical in China, Yenny’s father revealed a family secret. That “if things went wrong in China (insert intentional pause for you to understand whatever your choice of meaning that may be) (Just imaging something going wrong in China, okay).. so if something was to happen… that there was a secret word her brother should use to *signal their father. (I dunno, stay with me though) So IF the secret word was used/activated/conveyed then Mr. Louie “would call in his people to go in and get him”.
How awesome is that?
I am 108% sure that my father has no *people.
So I found this fascinating. I asked Yenny what the word was and she wouldn’t tell me. Some bullshit about me being stupid and accidentally activating things, blah blah, angry father, dead people, getting grounded, whatever. I kinda thought it was a decent idea that she not tell me the word. But then I WANTED TO HAVE A SECRET PASSWORD TEAM ACTIVATION WORD for our house.
So I made everyone brainstorm a word. Bryant – who had been in the NSA was very patient with this new project. Especially when all of my example scenarios had him being the one kidnapped and almost gang raped.
We decided that the Crofton password had to be something that could easily be inserted into a brief ransom phone call and go undetected. But it had to be a word that was unique and TOTALLY obvious to anyone who lived in the house that it was *incorrect. (yeah, I am still using the * symbol as font sparkle.)(leave it.)
So naturally I kept lobbying for the word ‘penis’. In my mind the word is seriously underused and it is the quickest way to signal me that something was wrong – because no one ever says penis to me. Ever. Well except my son who says it all the bloody time. But he can’t remember anyone’s phone number so he never would have gotten to the phone call stage in the kidnapping. (“what’s your phone number Seamus?” “Huh? What number? My favorite number is 6.” Kidnapper FAIL.) And he wasn’t at the brainstorming breakfast anyways. I loved the idea of Yenny or Bryant being in trouble and having to try and creatively fit the word 'penis' into a tense phone conversation.
Yenny – “I’m okay. Just get a check out of the office and make it out for $100k. Payable to Captors Incorporated…. And don’t be <sigh> a …. penis about it. I’m serious.”
Bryant – “Go down to the black refrigerator in the basement and pull out a Browning bag about the size of a …..penis and BRING IT HERE. NOW HEALEY.”
So then I began to think of who we would actually send. I mean who would be on the Crofton Recon Team? I’m sure the Fairfax Recon Team would be a dozen ghost-like ninjas with black outfits and ‘kill holds’ and Cirque de Soleil like split kicks.
But what would Team Crofton look like?
I think we may need to have a recruiting fair at the house sometime REAL Soon.
Oh – what? You want to know what the secret word was that we came up with? There is a big fat hint in the posting above. Find it. And if you can explain why it is 'an obvious wrong to our household' – I’ll give ya five bucks. Well the first person, anyways.