So I have this holiday gift swap thing with my office tomorrow morning. And I am new here to the company... so I want to bring the right gift. It is important to me to make the right impression.
They are doing one of those "Yankee Gift Swap" exchanges. But the rules really change from one group to another.
I asked the comptroller what I should bring and she said "some nice hand lotions, maybe" then I asked one of the tech guys and he regaled me with a story of the best gift from last year. "It was a coffee mug in the shape of a toilet and it had chili in it." The lady in legal said that she had gotten a very nice (slightly used) popcorn popper one year. Some people like to stress the point that "it's totally anonymous"... but seriously - we only have 16 people. How anonymous can it be??? I walk in with a gift in front of everyone and put it on a table... people have EYES. So that isn't even an element in my strategy.
I am agonizing over what to bring. These are the options I have come up with so far:
- a toilet bowl mug with lemongrass soup in it
- a classic board game and a bottle of booze
- some ugly tableware that someone gave me last year and a bottle of booze
- a live lobster
- a trophy from goodwill and a bottle of booze
- a size 67 women's nylon underwear
- one of those hunting jackets that makes you look like a pile of leaves
- a cream pie in a box with a little menacing note that says "do it. you know you want to."
I'm torn. Either way I'm bringing the bottle of booze with me. I am also considering bringing an extra (little) gift that I slip on to the table while no one else is looking. Maybe something terrible like a package of maxi pads or something from the old people aisle at the pharmacy.
Please send me ideas if you have them.
In the event that people are wondering what I brought to the holiday party - I ended up going with a "Home Surgery Kit." It was comprised of the following:
- The game Operation (for practice)
- wound padding
- a wooden spoon (for the patient to bite on)
- a steak knife (yes it was new - sheesh)
- really, really strong booze called Root (I have actually seen it kill people. twice. "at's some strong shit'dere, woot, honey!")
- neosporin and a band-aid
It was a lovely package. You should consider it for your next hostess gift.
Now in return... well, that didn't work out so well. What I got was - actually if memory serves, I was the first person to steal a gift in the Yankee Gift Swap. I am disappointed in my colleague for letting it get to person #10 before people started stealing shit others were beginning to be happy with.
My number was called and I immediately took the one item I could stomach that would upset it's present recipient. It was some sort of device that makes your iPhone into a slot machine. It took about 5 minutes before it was taken from me by the head of IT. Despicable. I was then forced to pick from the table where I opted for a seriously over used gift bag (no shit this thing must be as old as my kid). And the tissue paper must be original to the bag because it was so sad it was disintegrating in my hands.I mentioned all of this to the table as I opened it. So this is what I ended up with.
Yes. It is a kitty cat squeezing the life out of a mentally retarded fish. AND it is a teapot. The kitty's head comes off (as it does with many serial killers).
It's surrealist art almost. It really is almost the perfect evil gift for me. I don't like cats. And it's so bloody big and cheery. I kinda hate-love it.
Later, back at the office, I researched the gift a bit to find that it had been given last year. Or at least it had been brought to the gift exchange which was held at someone's house. And since there were more gifts than people it had been overflow. So the person who had held the party kept it in it's bag (FOR A YEAR) and brought it back out into play for our recent celebration.
But the person who originally bought this evil little 'teapot-of-hate' was a man named Titus. A man who no longer works in this office. I am now going to research his address and send the little abusive kitty teapot back to him. He will be so delighted.