I do not feel well.
I don’t want your pity.
I want you to have bronchitis.
My bronchitis. I would like to give this to you. I want to give you an early Christmas gift so that you will be miserable. I will trade your pity for your suffering. See how nice I am. If I suffer – you should have to suffer to. If there is any justice in this world my boyfriend would get bronchitis. His existence is mocking me. He kisses me on the lips and says something condescending to me about every 30 minutes. Yes, I know… he is just being nice. But for Christ’s sake the man smokes 2 cigars a day. If anyone should have this toad voice and sweaty hacking cough... it should be him. My immune system is not quite the fortress it used to be. It’s more like a public park.
The only reason I have not killed him is that he made me a BLT (minus the L. he does not incorporate more than one vegetable per meal.) (why do men fear vegetables so much?).
So, at a friends suggestion (Holly), I am going to stop verbally abusing employees at CVS and actually write the people at Kleenex. I have very strong feelings and opinions about the looks of their tissue boxes. I am sick about ¾ of the year with one damn thing or another and I would rather use a roll of toilet paper than spend money on their visually insulting products. When you don’t feel well you are depressed enough. It cannot be that hard to make a nice looking (if not cheery) container for their tissues. How about a happy little monster holding a kite, or just a generic repeated pattern on a gradated blue background. Is that too much to ask?
Instead… we are subjected to the bastardization of badly drawn Italian paper. Because they think we are simple classless American who all live in trailers and have vinyl padded toilet seat covers. That we wouldn’t know the difference between real Italian Florentine paper that delicately reveals every hue in the color spectrum while honoring the fine paper upon which it was painted… with …with the mocking exploitation of excrement tinted mauves and beiges in a milquetoast pattern used only sparingly in psychological testing.