Yes…we’re doing it again. Fake-cations: mini mental holidays free of budget restrictions and work schedule conflicts.
This weeks self-inflated travel groups to choose from are Abercrombie & Kent and Mt Travel Sobek. It will become immediately obvious that there were no requirements to the choices like last time where we had to have wireless and a pool. No..this time the sky is the limit and of course the higher the budget the more we’ll enjoy it.
Well one might have thought so…until you gave the reigns to lunatic friends who want you to die in the remotest corners of the world. (Total disregard for my safety, that’s what it is).
So here we go.
Walter has picked what I am now calling ‘South Pole torture’ for his fake vacation.
He writes – “For a mere US $54,988 I'm going on an "extreme" South Pole expedition. Only, since this is a fantasy vacation, I'm also not going as myself. I'm going as Bear Grillis from Man vs. Wild. I'll head into the deepest reaches of the South Pole with this expedition, but I'm coming out alone on the other side, braving the elements and The Blob (which, if you remember the original 1950s movie, was airlifted there by the Army after a band of daring teenagers froze it in its destructive slimy tracks with fire extinguisher foam).”
I hope you and the Blob have an amazing experience. I am so not going there. Even virtually. You had me when I saw the price – but nowhere in that description (or in any related imagery) do I see attention to the detail of ‘lodging’. I work for fricking Discovery. I know there is nothing down there but a bunch of sexually confused scientists and ice. There is a reason the man pictured is alone - all of his friends died (a la Beck Weathers).
Yenny will be taking the group to North Pole Hell. I have no idea why she wants to go here – wait – yes I do. She wants to see whales. There are better places to see whales, Yenny. Heck – you can go to San Diego and see whales. The North Pole? Are you shitting me?
What is with these people? Nowhere am I seeing an image of a delightful hotel with warm comforters and fireplaces stoked with ample cords of wood. I keep seeing pictures of land with NO BUILDINGS.
She is sitting across from me RIGHT NOW defending the bizarre cult circle on the ice photo. DO NOT TRY TOO REASON WITH ME until you get a protective shelter in that fuckin snapshot. And maybe a dozen helicopters to assure me I can be taken away from this environment asafp. Seriously people – I’d need a rocket. I couldn’t get out of that nightmare scenario fast enough. She is still talking. “Shun on!”.
ALYSSA (<<<< reasonable person)
I want to check out the Abercrombie & Kent Signature Croatia
and let me tell you why...
1. I find Croatian men to be super hot!
2. It looks like the French Riviera without all the fancy people
3. I will not freeze
4. I will not get a stomach ailment
5. I do not have to hike or do extreme exercise
6. They like hanging out at cafe's drinking wine.
I have always liked Alyssa. She can tell the difference between having to wear outerwear to save your fucking life and wearing it because it makes your boobs look smaller, it charmingly accents your shoes and keeps the breeze off your neck. Smart people should not have to wear survival gear on a true holiday.
(Yenny is STILL yelling about how I am misjudging her carnival cruise to the center of frozen death.) (Shun STILL on).
Healey's pick (<<<< second reasonable person)
Tailor Made New Zealand Up Close
Okay – to start with – I have no idea what is going on in this picture.
From what I can see Steve Guttenberg and Wilford Brimly are alive and well and filming Cocoon 3 on location in Aukland New Zealand. Oh, what Gandolf has done for the local economy there!
No seriously – what the hell am I looking at in this picture?
Well if you can get past the pod shaped beach turds - New Zealand is supposed to be FABULOUS. (See how I promote mine over the others choices? Now who knew that would happen?)
Right out of the gate my itinerary aims to please with words like “relax, scenic, lush and LUNCH.” These are superior words that make me feel like I am on vacation. There will be no hand to hand combat with polar bears to gut tonight’s sustenance so that we – and the other circle cult members might see another frigid day. Walter – don’t think I have forgotten about your people either. I see them as being just as crazy but without a joint spirituality.
So what have we learned here today?
Today we have learned that it is not wise to risk your vacation plans with 2 out of 4 people - unless they have won the lottery.
I'd like the frigidaire group to know up front that if they want to suprise me with a large sum of money - I will change a lot of previously stated fundmentals. (Just don't leave me up there).
Having a shitload of money - and no where to spend it, is a level of hell I wish to never visit.