So Friday night after school - I mean work – I mean persecution, we went to dinner at TGIFridays (proving that we are Americans) and then caught the 8:45 of Kung Fu Panda. These are the white hot dates that your life morphs into when one of the three of you is short and simple. Turns out the joke was on us because he had already seen it. But in good 4 yr old form he was ecstatic to see it again. That was good news seeing as we were using him to get into the film ourselves. Yes, I wanted to see it. I get a bit depressed at the end of films like “Into the Wild”…where you just generally want to kill yourself and see even pausing the film to go to the bathroom as a futile effort waged against a dismal future. Just end it all. The world is good and giving in it’s beauty - but humanity is evil and destined for failure and heartbreak.
God – did anyone else see Into the Wild? That was just a zeppelin of a movie.
So back to Kung Fu Panda. : )
Animated movie have turned into the most incredible audio trivia game. It’s like those car commercials where you are like “Who is that? Who is talking to me? Why do it recognize that voice telling me to buy a Nissan? OH FOR CHRIST SAKE IT”S FRICKING McDREAMY FROM GREY’s ANATOMY!!!!!! What the fuck does he know about cars??? I’ll bet he screwed around on Meredith in a Nissan! He screws around non stop with his sad dog face…..hate him, hate him. Hate him.”
So back to Kung Fu Panda. : )
There were some seriously big names in this movie. I recognized Jack Black and Angelina Jolie…but I spent the entire movie trying to come up with Dustin Hoffman. I mean it was hard. He was this big eared kung fu mouse...he looked nothing like Dustin Hoffman….so it was hard. It was annoyingly hard. The movie itself had the impact of a cold can of diet coke. It was funny…and it was interesting to watch. Not even ONE of these simple little characters decided to leave their family and walk to Alaska to live in a bus and die of starvation while writing poetry. Thank god for that.
Saturday morning I was called out of the kitchen and into the hall bathroom by the very same (now very stern) 4 year old. As I reported to the door of the bathroom with cup of coffee I noted that the small man who had called this meeting with his pants around his ankles holding his mini pecker aimed at the toilet was upset. He solemnly asked me to call the dogs into the meeting. I did as I was asked. Hambone and Thor (who initially missed the location of the door) came to order in the patchwork sized meeting room. Seamus looked up at me and asked me to have the dogs apologize. To him. Right now. Pecker still in hand awaiting a stream. Okay, I replied. I can do that (realizing that I was going to have to pretend that the dogs had the grasp of language, once again). What are they apologizing for?
“They licked my penis.”
“ahhh…..both of them did?” I tried not to smile. It was hard.
“Yes. Both of them. And now I can’t pee because it’s scared back in me.”
“mmm…this is not acceptable behavior. Thor (idiot puppy getting ready to attack the trash can), Hambone (looking at me like what the fuck are we doing in here?”)…I’d like you to apologize to Seamus for your bad behavior. It is not acceptable to go around licking other people peckers.” And after an acceptable amount of pretend response time - it was done. I went back to the coffee pot for normalcy and the pee was freed to flow.
Saturday night I was taught by fate how to do the electric slide in the kitchen with newly bought groceries. I had mopped the floor - yet again- (Thor) and as I was making an amazingly healthy salad for all of us I reached for the salad dressing – slipped on the floor – did an impromptu split that had my foot crash into the refrigerator – I then dropped the salad dressing onto the floor. The top cracked and olive oil went everywhere. I cussed at the floor. Stood back up. Knocked the seltzer over onto the floor. It got all oily. Once I had mopped everything all up again I washed the bottle of seltzer and thought – hey – maybe I should have a gin and tonic (!). I opened the bottle of seltzer – yes…20/20 hindsight… and it exploded ALL over the entire room and the meal I was assembling. My shirt was soaked through. I cussed at everything in the room. Cleaned it all up. Cut up some limes…got the ice…opted for a mason jar rather than a small glass because - by god – I now NEEDED a drink. And went to the freezer to find that I had about 3 ounces of Gin left.
By the time my boyfriend got home I was quite a sight sitting there drinking the o’Douls equivalent of a G&T all sopping wet and oily, trying to serve dinner at 9:30pm.
“Hi Honey. Don’t come near me. I don’t feel like mopping any more. No questions. Go to another room.”
Sunday we went to the Arboretum to see the freakish fish. They always make me feel better. Kelli came over and we talked about her kitchen renovation plans, ate Outback and watched Saving Grace. Which is a darn good movie even without animated characters. There was a terrific scene in the movie where the widow is having tea with the mistress and she asks “So what did you do about Sex?” And the widow says “Sex?” and the mistress repeats “Sex.” And my son yells out “Seven.”